I'm beginning to wonder if I've been rendered as broken as I feel sometimes. Hardly a day goes by where I don't find myself thinking about it. Sometimes, the broken, hazy images come back in a flash, triggered by a simple act of intimacy; a simple caress against bare skin may leave me shaking, panicked and crying.
Why would he do this to me? Someone who was supposed to be my friend. He betrayed my trust completely. And I was lost. I didn't know what to do, who to go to. I tried to blow it off as nothing, but it gnawed at me as constantly as it does now; it festered in the depths of my memories.
I blamed myself. It was what I deserved for acting like a slut. It was a punishment bestowed on me by the universe for not behaving as a good, Christian girl should.
I was too afraid to tell my friends. They wouldn't believe me. If they did, they'd dismiss it, or tell me that it was all my fault.
It's been my dirty little not-so-secret for three years now. It's been plaguing my emotions. It's been robbing me of intimacy, for fear of mistaking it for his touch. And even though many know what happened now, somehow I still feel like I'm Pi, floating on a tiny life boat with a tiger waiting to consume me.
I want the memories to disappear. I want to be at peace.
4am is my least favorite time of day/night. 12am, partay! 2am, still awake and shootin' zombies! even 3:30am, isn't the world a wonderful place? :)
ReplyDeleteBut once it hits 4am, the depressing thoughts come on. It's like getting drunk passed the point of having fun and on to becoming the depressed drunk, only you don't have the prospect of not having to remember it in the morning.
I won't say that I completely understand, because I can't, although I did go through a similar experience myself. Not the same, mind you, but similar.
You are not alone at 4 in the morning, even if you think or feel you are.
Take deep breaths, try to accept the love and touch of those who sincerely care about you... and sometimes it helps to just talk about it. You know you can always call me, no matter the time, and I know you have people near you you can call on as well.
I hope that helped :)